Allegro App-pirozhki-assionato in Bad Puns
by Telemancer
Summary: The love story of Yuri Plisetsky and Otabek Altin told via dramatic inner monologues, confusing narration, and Yuri Plisetsky's text messages. The other skaters are really bad friends when it comes to giving out romantic advice. There are puns. T for swearing.
1. Allegro App-pirozhki-assionato in Bad Pu

_Otabek Altin is such a jerk_ , Yuri thought angrily. _Just driving up in his stupid motorcycle, acting like I'm a damsel in distress and he's the prince coming to save me! As if I needed his help! And then he just expects me to be his friend! Out of nowhere! We don't even know each other! He doesn't even go here! What a weirdo._

The blonde skater had just been released from his meet cute, or whatever the hell you call it, with Otabek, and was in a foul mood. Not only did his legs hurt from that idiotic bike (a bike that Yuri knew he would never be allowed to get, ugh), but now he couldn't focus on anything but that dark-haired, mysterious skater.

 _What was with him anyway? He's so quiet. How did he know where I was? He just drove up to me and handed me a helmet! He looked so fucking cool too!_

Yuri winced for what seemed like the millionth time, the soreness of his muscles preventing him to do his normal punk shuffle. The wind whipped around, blowing his hair about and pushing his hood off his head.

 _Why is he even interested in me -_

"Hey!" someone shouted from behind Yuri. "Blondie!"

Yuri turned suddenly.

"Who you calling blondie?!" he growled. The girl trying to get his attention shriveled instantly, and Yuri regretted being so rude. It was Otabek's fault though, for putting him in such a foul mood.

"Sorry. I just, well, you dropped this. It fell out of your pocket," mumbled the teenage girl. She held out a small slip of paper, head down. Yuri took the paper and began to examine it.

"A phone number?" he said incredulously. "What the hell? _Otabek?!_ "

The piece of paper held a phone number written in small, compact handwriting, followed by a small dash and then the name Otabek Altin. There was also a short message.

 _ **I may be russian into this, but would it be sochi-eesy to ask for your number?**_

"He slipped me his phone number! What a bastard!" Yuri exclaimed, looking up, then suddenly realizing that the girl was still standing there. "Oh, sorry, this guy is just being a jerk."

"Yeah, I get that. Relationships are tough," stammered the girl.

"What? Relationships?"

"Wasn't he asking you on a date? That's why he gave you his phone number, right?"

Yuri looked at the brunette, his eyes widening. She grew flustered, and a red tint creeped onto her cheeks. Yuri continued staring.

Suddenly, his phone rang, startling the both of them. The girl squeaked and scurried away as Yuri answered the phone.

"Yurio!" sang Viktor. "Where are you? Everyone misses the Russian Fairy!"

"Shut it, Viktor! And don't call me Yurio!" spat the blonde.

"Oh, how I've missed your melodious voice. But seriously, where are you? Yakov's worried in his own Yakov-y way."

Yuri looked around, taking in his surroundings. He had just left the plaza where Otabek and him were talking, and was now near what looks like some shops.

"Uh…" Yuri paused. "I actually have no idea. Pick me up?"

Viktor laughed, a tinkling sort of thing. "Yes, yes, text me the location on your phone! You'd think that I'd be worried about a 15 year old lost in a city, but you're so terrifying that nobody would dare hurt you."

"I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or an insult," responded Yuri, sending Viktor a screenshot of his location on Google Maps.

Muffled voices came from the phone and there was a pause before Viktor spoke again.

"I have to go! I'll see you soon, son!"

"DON'T CALL ME SON!"

But Viktor had already hung up. Yuri groaned, and pulled his jacket a little bit tighter around himself, walking over to sit on a bench. The wind had really picked up. Are motorcycles affected by wind? Can they be blown over? Would Otabek get home okay? Yuri shook his head viciously.

 _Stop thinking about him! He's competition, after all. And either way, he's not important._

 _Right…? Maybe I should text him, he did leave me his number after all._

Yuri unlocked his phone, taking a moment to appreciate his wallpaper of a small white cat back in Russia, and opened up his text messages. He typed Otabek's number into his contacts and began composing a message.

 _What do you even send in cases like this? "Hi"? But then he won't know who I am…_

Eventually Yuri decided on something short and sweet. His name.

 **To No-tabek:**

 **Yuri Plisetsky**

A minute later, while Yuri was reading dumb conspiracy theories about Viktor and Yuri (as if they'd ever get together), a reply came in.

 **From No-tabek:**

 _ **Otabek Altin**_

Yuri sighed.

 _Fuck it, if he wants to pull that whole handshake shit, then I should be able to text him! And that girl was totally wrong, we aren't dating or anything like that._

 **To No-tabek:**

 **wth**

 _ **What? Weren't we saying our names?**_

 **whatever.**

There was a pause in which Otabek didn't respond, and Yuri panicked.

 **i like your motorcycle**

 _ **Thanks? I'm glad**_

 **and your skating**

 _ **You're being nice, it's scary**_

 **jerk**

 **it's only because Viktor says i should be**

 _ **You're listening to people, it's scary**_

 **youre supposed to compliment me back, not insult me**

 _ **Oh. Uh. I like your last name?**_

 **you can have it, i don't like it, try again**

 _ **You're a good skater for 15?**_

 **ugh**

 _ **What do you want me to compliment?**_

 **idk... my hair or something**

 _ **Yuri Plisetsky, your long, silky, blonde hair is actually the most beautiful hair I have ever seen**_

Yuri would be lying if his heart didn't leap a little bit at that. He felt sick. Was he sick? Was the strain of being so damn good at figure skating finally culminating into heart issues?

 **thx**

 **now try it without the sarcasm**

 _ **That was completely serious**_

 **oh sure**

 _ **Seriously**_

 **ok… well thank you**

 _ **Viktor's hair is better though**_

 **i'd be mad, but honestly that's totally true**

 _ **Especially when it was long**_

 **you should start a Viktor's hair fan club**

 _ **That already exists**_

 **tbh it probably does**

 _ **I know the head of the club**_

 **really?**

 _ **Katsuki Yuuri**_

 **pft true**

 **have you seen the "victuuri" posts?**

 _ **Of course, they're everywhere**_

 **so unrealistic**

 _ **Um**_

 **What**

 _ **Really?**_

 **look ik i'm brilliant but there's no need to repeat me**

 _ **I just meant that victuuri isn't completely crazy**_

 **don't tell me you've been drawing fanart too**

 _ **Oh shush, have you seen the way Viktor looks at that nerd**_

 **nerd? finally a man after my own heart**

 _ **3**_

" **pORkk CUUTleTT BOOOwwllLL" - katsuki**

 _ **That is terrifying.**_

 **youre welcome**

 _ **But clearly your Viktor doesn't think so**_

 **omg stop**

 _ **I bet they'll kiss**_

 **n o**

 _ **You'd be invited to the wedding**_

 **spare me**

 _ **Maybe they could adopt you as their child, Yuri Plisetsky-Katsuki-Nikiforov**_

 **UGH**

 **I'M LEAVING**

 _ **Sorry! I'll stop**_

 **no, no it's fine i actually gtg my car just arrived**

 _ **Oh okay**_

 **see you soon**

 _ **Oh yeah, skating ha ha**_

Yuri hurried toward the car, waving to Viktor. He slid into the seat, grunting a hello to his fellow skater, and sent a message before he overthought it.

 **davai**

 _ **So that's how you spell it.**_

Yuri instantly smiled at Otabek's text, before quickly wiping the grin off his face.

"Who are you texting? A new friend?" asked Viktor.

"Yeah," said Yuri. "Sure."

Over the next few weeks, Yuri barely even put down his phone. Him and Otabek were always texting each other random things, pictures of cats and complaints about Viktor and Yuuri from Yuri, and bad puns from the dark haired skater.

 **From No-tabek**

 _ **What is my favorite Russian skater up to**_

 **I thought that was Viktor**

 _ **Oh, this isn't Viktor?**_

 **ha ha youre so funny**

 **i'm warming up**

 _ **Picture?**_

 **why**

 _ **Because I'm testing how strong our friendship is, best friend, obviously**_

 **best friend? really otabek**

 **~ yuri sent a picture ~**

 _ **How are you so flexible in that picture, that is insane**_

 **because i've been doing this for 15 years**

 _ **Oh, yes, Yuri Plisetsky, famous for coming out of the womb in a full splitz**_

 **actually, it's yuri plisetsky, famous for being the best figure skater in the world**

 _ **Cough cough Viktor nikiforov cough**_

 **i'm starting to think that you don't want to be friends with me, you just want to get closer to my Viktor**

 _ **Oh how did you guess**_

 _ **Also, "my Viktor", you may need to fight katsuki for rights to owning Viktor**_

 **i'd win easily, i did teach him everything he knows**

 _ **There's no way you taught him how to devour pork cutlet bowls, all I've seen you consume are juice boxes and borscht and those rolls**_

 **pirozhki**

 _ **Yes, that**_

 **PIROZHKI**

 _ **Russians are so adorable**_

 **nah it's just me**

 _ **Ha probably**_

 **tell me something about kazackstan**

 _ **It's spelled Kazakhstan?**_

 **something interesting**

 _ **Spelling is interesting**_

 **nerd**

 _ **It translates to land of the wanderers or something to that effect**_

 **I SAID SOMETHING INTERESTING**

 _ **The Kazakh word for dog is pronounced eat**_

 **…**

 _ **Prostitution is semi-legal?**_

 **there we go**

 _ **You are actually 15**_

 **i'm wise beyond my years**

 _ **You get skating high scores by being annoyed by someone you call "pork cutlet bowl"**_

 **true**

 _ **Talk to me when you're 18**_

 **but then you'll be 21 - old man**

 _ **Then our love must be doomed**_

 **oh fucking no**

 _ **Language**_

 **preferred? russian**

 _ **Russian? More like Yuri's always fuss-ian**_

"Yuri!" Lilia called. "Exercising your thumbs won't fix your messy footwork!"

 **ew no gtg though coach is calling**

 _ **Bye Yuri!**_

Yuri set down his phone and began his training.

That evening, Viktor dragged Yuri out to a sushi restaurant.

"I heard from your coach that you've been texting nonstop! Something you want to tell me?"

"Hell nah," Yuri swore. "You wouldn't understand, since all you care about is that dumb piggy."

Honestly, the only reason Yuri hated Katsuki so much was because he has the word cat in his name and Yuri doesn't.

Seriously, what a jerk.

"Don't be that way, Yuri! We're two peas in a pod!"

"Stop using those English phrases, they don't even make sense. There are more than two peas in a pod, I've never seen a pod with just two peas! And all peas look the same anyway!"

"Yuri, I'm sensing some built up angst inside of you. Are you sure you don't want to talk? I'm here for you!"

Yuri rolled his eyes and began to drink his bubble tea.

"Whatever, Viktor."

Halfway through dinner and small talk, Yuri suddenly couldn't hold it in.

"Viktor, how do you tell if someone's flirting with you?"

The Russian coach began to make eyebrows.

"Have they skated Eros for you yet?"

Yuri groaned.

"I wish," he mumbled. "Wait. Shit. No. What? Who said that?"

"See how the person responds when you flirt with them, duh! It always works for me! If they blush, they want to get married. Make sure there's a hot spring near, though."

"Stop joking and rubbing your relationship with pork cutlet bowl in my face! Gross!"

"I'm being serious! Not about the hot spring, though that is a plus," Viktor said, and winked. Yuri cringed.

"What would I even say? I don't know how to flirt with people! I'm not a gross old man!"

"Well, small child, let me teach the ways of the flirt. Get out your phone, and give it to me."

Yuri obeyed, opening up his texts to Otabek.

"Otabek? You're in love with Otabek?"

"FUCK!" yelled Yuri. They were then kicked out of the sushi restaurant. It was embarrassing, and Viktor almost fell over. This guy was a professional skater, for god's sake.

"Does Otabek like puns?" Viktor asked, typing away. "Never mind, I'm sure he'll like this one! Okay, I sent it!"

"What? No! What was it? Why didn't you let me approve it?"

Viktor shrugged. "It'll be fine, Yuri, yuri-n good hands!"

The blonde groaned, and facepalmed. "We're leaving, get me out of this hell."

 **To No-tabek:**

 **Do you like pizza? Because I have a crust on you!**

So that was the pick up line that Viktor sent. A response came in a minute later.

 _ **Aw, Yuri, you stole a pizza my heart with that /cheesy/ pick up line!**_

 **hey, otabek, is there a window near where you are**

 _ **Um, yeah there's one right next to me, why?**_

 **jump out of it**

 _ **Wind-no-w thank you!**_

 **i will walk over there and punch you**

 _ **Good luck finding out where I am**_

Yuri texted Otabek the address of the hotel the dark haired skater was staying in.

 _ **What? How?**_

 **social media, bitch**

 _ **I love you too, Yuri**_

"Is it working?" Viktor asked, leaning over Yuri's shoulder to read the messages. "Oh ho ho, clearly it is!"

Yuri shut off his phone and shoved it into his pocket.

"Shut up, old man!"

"Even I haven't gotten an 'I love you' yet!"

"He meant it as a joke, okay?"

Yuri sulked the rest of the way home.

The next day, Yuri felt even more nervous texting Otabek than before. Viktor's strategy didn't work at all! Now Otabek was even making more dumb puns!

It was time to take drastic measures. Yuri unlocked his phone, and pulled up a contact he hadn't texted in a very long time.

 **To Chris-suck-tophe:**

 **hey dickhead, i'll end you if you ask questions give me relationship advice now**

 **plisetsky**

Chris Giacometti, as per usual, responded instantly.

 _ **Your problem has an easy remedy! Agape is so childish, you need to spice things up a bit! Might I suggest pole dancing, I hear it works wonders to get you noticed by senpai!**_

 **i hate you and your ass face.**

Yuri barely refrained himself from chucking his phone against the wall.

 _ **It's better than yours!**_

 **oh please, yuri plisetsky's long, silky, blonde hair is actually the most beautiful hair anyone has ever seen**

 _ **First things first you've got to learn to use your ASSets to your advantage! That's in my case at least.**_

 **uh huh yeah, how, genius?**

 _ **Nudes!**_

 **no**

The conversation ended there, when Yuri finally did throw his phone at the wall. He then proceeded to perfectly land a quad.

Everyone was very impressed, and Yuri wished Otabek could've seen it.

However, Yuri wasn't able to forget about Chris' advice.

 _I mean, he is super popular. Everyone seems to love him! I wouldn't actually send Otabek nudes, that's dumb. But… I could send him a different picture… One of me at the pool?_

"Viktor!" shouted Yuri. "We're going to the pool! Stop texting the other, less cool Yuuri and come with me!"

Viktor brought Yuuri. Of course. Yuri would be mad because he knew Viktor was just trying to see Yuuri shirtless again, but he was doing basically the same thing.

Except he was trying to get himself shirtless.

This was weird, wasn't it.

"This is weird," Katsuki said. "Why don't you like my swim shirt, Viktor?"

"I do like it!" exclaimed the coach. "I just don't understand it! Why?"

"Why not?" Yuuri responded. "I feel more comfortable! Don't you want me to be happy, Viktor?"

"Of course I do! But I want you to be comfortable too!"

"That doesn't even make any sense! I didn't think the swim shirt would be that big of a deal, or I wouldn't have worn it!"

"Yuuri, you're so cute, you're going to make me go GrAY."

Yuri stood up, sick of this soap opera shit.

"Your hair is already fucking silver, Viktor, now get in the pool."

The pool was awkward. Viktor tried to get them to play Marco Polo, which reminded Yuri of that time when Yuuri tried to hug him, which was gross.

"We should take a picture," proposed Yuri. "So I can post it."

"Amazing idea!" replied Viktor. "Just like the ones I took with Chris!"

Yuuri blushed.

"No thanks. I'm wearing a swim shirt."

"We're taking," Yuri growled. "The damn photo."

The three skaters shuffled together to get into the frame, Viktor with his arm around Yuuri, Yuri with his head on Viktor's shoulder.

Yuri uploaded the photo to his Instagram, and watched the comments pour in.

 **fiRst!1!**

 **What a cute family photo, two dads, one son, i'm looking at you yuri**

 **ot3 omg**

 **nice swimshirt**

Yuri rolled his eyes and shut off his phone.

"Okay," he said. "We're done here."

"I guess you just wanted the publicity from me being in the photo," pouted Viktor.

"No, it was so my abs look especially good in comparison to your old man stomach."

Viktor gasped, and went into the corner to hide from the truth.

"It's okay!" Yuuri stuttered. "You're the most muscled person I know!"

Yuri took this opportunity to leave before things escalated quickly. Leaving the pool, he checked his phone once more, suddenly realizing that he didn't follow Otabek on Instagram.

 **To No-tabek:**

 **do you have an instagram**

 _ **Yeah, but if by have you mean use, then no**_

 **you should!**

 _ **Sightings of a rare Yuri using a exclamation point cause Russia to erupt into chaos**_

 **ugh**

 _ **Fine, fine, I'll go on instagram now**_

Yuri smirked at the phone. A few minutes later, Otabek texted again.

 _ **You're shit at captioning photos**_

 **sightings of a rare Otabek using a swear word cause Kazakhstan to erupt into chaos**

 _ **Ha ha, but seriously, you just captioned it "pool"**_

 _ **We can see that you're at the pool**_

 _ **It's obvious that you're at the pool**_

 _ **Why would you caption it "pool"**_

 **what should i have captioned it instead**

" _ **/water/ these two doing here" and then tag viktor and yuuri**_

Yuri groaned, but edited the Instagram caption anyway.

 **bye felicia**

 _ **Such an old meme**_

 **just like you**

 _ **Bye Felicia**_

 **hippocrite**

 _ **Did you know that your name means girl's love in Japan?**_

 **fitting**

The blonde Russian collapsed onto a bench outside of the pool building. A minute of texting Otabek later, Yuuri sat down next to him. Yuri glared at him.

" _Water_ you doing here, Katsuki?"

"Waiting for Victor, just like you. He's taking a shower because he's worried that I won't love him if his hair has chlorine damage," Yuuri replied sadly.

"I wouldn't love him if that happened. Victor's hair is the only good thing about him."

"So you're admitting that you love him now?"

"Just as much as I love you, pork cutlet bowl," Yuri deadpanned. Yuuri cringed.

There was an awkward pause.

"Yuuri, I could kick you and damage you forever."

"Um, yeah, I know that, but why tell me now?" Yuuri seemed intimidated. Good.

"Because, I swear to god, if you tell anybody about the conversation that follows, I will hurt you."

"O-okay?"

"How do you get someone to fall in love with you?" asked Yuri, still in a threatening voice. Yuuri rubbed the back of his head and laughed awkwardly.

"Are you sure you want to ask _me_ this?"

"I already asked Victor, and _fucking Chris_. You're my last hope."

"Well," said Yuuri seriously. "It depends on the person you want to have a relationship with."  
Yuri sighed, pulled out his phone, scrolled to the start of him and Otabek's messages, and shoved the device in Yuuri's face. The Japanese skater began reading.

"Oh my god, Yuri," he said when he finished scrolling. "You are actually an adorable little angel."

Yuri turned red.

"How?"

"So sweet! So innocent! So pure!"

"Shut up, dumbass!"

"So kawaii!" Yuuri was pinching Yuri's cheeks and squealing. The blonde just managed to shove him away.

"I said be quiet! How the hell is the Russian _Punk_ adorable?!"

"Because you don't need advice! Otabek is already totally in love with you!"

Yuri's mouth fell open. There was silence as the two Yuris stared at each other.

"What?" the Russian finally spat. "No way in hell!"

"Yes way!" Yuuri sang.

"No way!"

"Yes way!

" _No way!"_

Viktor ran out of the pool building, a towel wrapped around his hair, a bathrobe flapping behind him.

"I'm back! What did I miss?" he chirped.

"Nothing," the two younger skaters said in unison. They began their walk back to their rooms.

"So," Yuri said, shooting daggers with his eyes. "Yuuri. About the matter we were discussing before, do you have anything more to say?"

"No," the black haired man said in a slightly robotic voice, clearly trying to keep the conversation a secret. "I would merely say that you should drop subtle hints about the matter. I am quite positive that everything will turn out the way you want quite soon."

Yuri nodded sharply.

"Are you two talking about skating?" Viktor questioned again.

"Look, Viktor!" Yuuri exclaimed, smiling nervously. "A trash can! How… quaint?"

"Maybe you two should talk to it," Yuri insulted. "Since you're trash skaters as well."

Yuri strutted away proudly, leaving the two lovebirds in the dust, just like when they were on the rink.

Over the next month or so, Yuri Plisetsky was the master of dropping subtle hints to Otabek over text and in person when they managed to hang out together.

One time, after Otabek finished running through his routine for Yuri and his coach, Yuri commented on his performance.

"Nice job," Yuri said seriously. "I liked your hips."

"Thanks, I practice in front of a mirror every day."

Yuri didn't know whether he was joking or not.

Needless to say, that subtle hint didn't work.

Another time, when they were texting, Yuri asked Otabek his dating opinions.

 **To No-tabek 3:**

 **if you were going on a date with a s/o, what would you want them to bring you**

 _ **What's a s/o?**_

 **a squid/octopus**

 _ **Jerk, I looked it up, it's a significant other**_

 **yeah, answer the question**

 _ **Idk, chocolates or something**_

 **lame**

 _ **Oh yeah and what cool thing would you want?**_

 **a fucking Grand Prix gold medal of course**

A few days later, Yuri presented Otabek with a box of chocolates.

"Here, eat," Yuri announced, the pinnacle of romance.

"Do they have nuts?" Otabek asked. Yuri shrugged.

"I'm allergic to nuts," the skater explained.

Viktor and Yuuri cracked up in the background.

After that resounding failure with the chocolates, Yuri knew he need to step up his game. The perfect opportunity arrived when him and Otabek were asking questions about each other via text.

 **From No-tabek 3:**

 _ **Perfect person?**_

 **me**

 _ **I meant perfect person who you would want to date**_

 **me**

 _ **Oh come on, answer the question**_

 **ugh fine**

 **Idk, not that tall**

 **athletic**

 **dark-haired**

 _ **Boring, be more specific, play the game**_

 **good sense of fashion**

 **likes motorcycles**

 **allergic to nuts**

Otabek didn't respond for what seemed like half an hour. Yuri was busy trying to remember how to breathe.

Finally, _finally_ , Otabek responded.

 _ **I should introduce you to my sister!**_

Yuri screeched and kicked Viktor, who was sitting next to him, in the shins, knocking him over into Yuuri, who blushed.

"LOVE IS DISGUSTING," he screamed, and ran away.

Otabek really tried to get Yuri to meet his sister. It was horrible. Honestly, Yuri would much prefer to meet the parents.

After two years of being subtle, Yuri Plisetsky was done with it. With everything. It was Valentine's Day, and the Russian Punk was still in the fucking friendzone.

It was time for drastic measures.

 **To Ota-baka why are you so fucking stupid 3 3 3:**

 **since it's valentines day, i wrote a poem for my very best bro**

 _ **Oh yeah? Let's hear it**_

 **roses are red**

 **violets are blue**

 **i like pirozhki**

 **let's fuck**

 _ **See you in five!**_

Within three days, #otabekxyuri was a trending hashtag worldwide.

Coffee shop au fanfictions were Yuri Plisetsky's _shit._


	2. Symphony No Pine(ing), 2nd Movement

Otabek Altin was a mess. As Yuri always said, a hot mess.

First it was Valentine's Day and Otabek was too nervous to text Yuri. Then Yuri just randomly sent him this text calling him "bro"! Then he sent _that_ poem?! Otabek had responded with "See you in five!" And promptly dropped the pistachio muffin he was eating on the ground, and now he couldn't eat it.

This was the worst day ever.

Yuri had just overthrew their entire relationship in two words.

 _Let's fuck._

Otabek threw himself into panic mode, and began getting ready to go to Yuri's.

He sprinted to his bedroom, slipping on his only socked foot, and ran into the door just like the time Yuuri ran into that rink wall.

He began brushing his hair viciously, and then tried to put on skinny jeans in less than ten seconds, which everyone knows is literally physically impossible, even for the Hero of Kazakhstan. A few minutes of panicking later, he was on a motorcycle to Yuri's apartment.

Then he realized.

Yuri lived in _Russia._

A hundred miles away.

 _Shit._

Oh goodness, oh goodness, oh goodness _gracious_ , what was Otabek Altin going to do.

 _See you in five!_

Otabek's own response pounded through his head, over and over again. Five _hours_? He could be in Russia in five hours, possibly. Five days? He could definitely be in Russia by then. But why would he go to Russia for some stupid poem? If only he had a way to talk to Yuri without being there in person…

Otabek's phone buzzed.

Write him a letter? Not fast enough!

Otabek's phone buzzed louder.

Send him a package? Give him -

Otabek's phone - _phone -_

Oh yeah. Texting.

 _Skype._

Otabek banged back into his room and opened up his computer.

 _Skyping Yuri Plisetsky…_

Nobody picked up for a whole minute, then, _then_ -

Yuri's adorable chubby-cheeked pouting face popped up onto the screen.

Otabek opened his mouth to say something, and Yuri screeched, ending the call.

A moment later, Yuri called back.

"Sorry," blushed the Russian teen. "I panicked."

Otabek opened and closed his mouth like a fish.

"You look like a fish," observed Yuri.

Otabek got sick of the awkward silence and said the first thing that popped into his mind.

"You suck at transitions," he said, and instantly regretted it.

"What? I don't understand."

"Russian pastry, then prepositioning sex? What? Do I look like a pirozhki to you?"

"No! You'd be a chocolate nut biscotti, which is ironic, because you're allergic to nuts," Yuri said with a unexpected air of seriousness.

"What? Have you thought about this?!"

"Having sex with you? Yeah, obviously!"

"No, what pastry I'd be!"

"Same thing," Yuri pouted. Otabek flailed his hands, and almost fell out of his chair.

"No! It's not the same thing!"

"Not the same thing," Yuri repeated, covering his face with his hands. "This is so fucking awkward."

"Just pretend I'm your therapist. What preempted you to send that poem?"

"I'm not ready for roleplaying, we just started dating!" Yuri half-joked.

"WE'RE DATING?!" Otabek screamed. He would totally get a noise complaint later. But not for the reason that he wanted.

"I DON'T KNOW?!" Yuri screamed back. They inhaled deeply at the same time, noticed, then burst out laughing.

"Okay," managed Otabek, swooning over how cute the blonde's giggles were. "Let's take this step by step."

"I trust you," Yuri said with startlingly sincerity.

"Number one, you're 18 now, correct?"

"Yeah," Yuri replied, almost embarrassed. "You went to my party, and got me a fucking Wii U, for god's sake."

"I'm just making sure-y, Yuri."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Otabek, what's next?"

"Someone's excited," teased the older man.

"Well, I _am_ about to become the boyfriend of my three year old crush." Otabek turned bright red, suddenly remembering that this guy who he'd been in love with for ages, since old Yakov's training camp oh so long ago, liked him back. This was the best day of his life. Yuri, sensing that Otabek was getting stuck in his own head, spoke up. "Speaking of boyfriend, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" Otabek questioned, knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it, wanting Yuri to say it.

"Ask me," the skater clarified, so quiet that Otabek almost couldn't hear him. "To date you."

There was silence as Otabek made sure he was going to say what he wanted to say.

"I want to ask you to date me, I really do. But I want to ask you in person."

Yuri's face fell. "I knew you were going to say that. But you're in Almaty, and I'm here. We both know that it'll be years before we get time off. You know I'd wait for this, Otabek, but I don't want to."

"The next Grand Prix," Otabek promised suddenly. "While you're holding your gold metal. I'll ask you."

The tips of Yuri's ears were bright red, he noticed suddenly.

"You'll have to get second to do it on the podium," the Russian commented.

"Or third."

"Silver," Yuri snarled. "Or I don't say yes."

Otabek grinned, and Yuri smiled back, the lines of his face soft and carefree.

They were quiet, just taking in this new promise, and the consequences that came with it.

"I'm going to make you regret it," smirked Yuri suddenly.

"What?" asked Otabek, slightly scared.

"Deciding to wait. I'm going to flirt with you at every chance I get. Can I screenshot our text conversations and post them? Everyone is going to ship us. I'm going to take so many pool selfies with Viktor and make you jealous."

"I still have that one you took years ago with Viktor and Yuuri and that hideous swimshirt saved on my phone."

Yuri giggled. "I still cannot believe I took that thinking you would instantly declare your love for me. Chris gave me such bad advice!"

"I only saved it because Viktor was shirtless too," Otabek deadpanned.

"I knew it!" Yuri threw up his hands. "This is all just for him!"

"He is literally married with a child."

Yuri screamed suddenly, grabbed the computer, and began running.

"Speak of the devil!" he grumbled, shifting the computer to show Viktor and Yuuri kissing passionately in the doorway. "You'd better hurry up and podium at the Prix so we can get back at those fuckers."

Yuri turned his head and began cursing loudly, and an endeared shouting match commenced.

Seconds later, a door slammed, and Otabek watched as Yuri jumped onto his bed and arranged the pillows.

"I hate living with them," he complained, not really meaning it, slightly out of breath and red-cheeked.

"Live with me," Otabek offered, not really meaning it.

"I'll take you up on that someday."

Otabek smiled. "You'd better."

"Did you know there's fanfiction about us?" Yuri asked, pulling his hair into a ponytail.

"What?" asked the older skater, confused. Yuri nodded.

"The one where we fall in love at coffee shops are the best."

Less than a year later, Yuri slapped Otabek on the face, then hugged him as tight as he possibly could.

"You beat me!" he whispered, amazed and standing on his tiptoes to whisper in the dark haired skater's ear. "You fucking beat me."

"Altin! Plisetsky! Get on the podium!" someone ordered.

Otabek's mind finally caught up when he noticed Yuri standing next to him, staring at him.

 _I was supposed to ask him,_ he thought. _Grand Prix, gold and silver, we kiss in front of the cameras._

Acting on a whim, Otabek grabbed the younger man and switched their spots, the blonde on the first place podium, Yuri Plisetsky blushing like a bride, standing in the spotlight where he belonged, where Otabek vowed to always place him.

"Yura," Otabek Altin whispered, eyes shining. "Will you do me the greatest honor of being my boyfriend?"

"No," said Yuri, those piercing soldier's eyes staring with determination. "You didn't get silver."

Then he leaned over, grabbed Otabek's collar, and smashed their lips together on national television.

It was as if somebody had stolen a megaphone and screamed "The fanfiction starts now!"

Yuri and Otabek spent the evening reading every single one, and falling in love all over again.

They only learned the next day that switching places on the podiums was literally illegal.


	3. Welcome to The Madness

Welcome to The Madness (of getting engaged)

The anniversary of when Otabek and Yuri kissed on the podium and subsequently made the internet explode (spewing out punk and pastel edits, gifs, and far, far too much fanfiction) was quickly nearing, and Otabek soon realized that getting married was harder than it seemed. It's well known that the wedding part of it can be stressful and hectic and so damn difficult, but what people often don't think about is the _engagement_ part.

Proposing to your significant other? Really fucking hard! Especially for Otabek Altin and Yuri Plisetsky.

They had talked about it, obviously, and knew who was going to propose. Yuri had insisted that the "honor" fall to Otabek since he would, in his words, "throw the goddamn ring at your face and then run away doing a Darth Vader impression". At the time, Otabek had laughed and smiled and hadn't worried about what this whole proposing shebag entailed. Now, you bet your tiger patterned skinny jeans that Otabek was freaking out over this entire thing.

Otabek knew that the classic thing to do was to just take Yuri out to a fancy restaurant, get on his knee right before dessert, do that whole romantic speech thing, and then enjoy a slice of chocolate cake as an engaged man. However, there were many things wrong with that. One, both Yuri and him weren't sappy. That engagement scene was definitely painted for Yuuri and Viktor, not two quiet boyfriends who only really spoke to each other in the privacy of their bedroom. Two, if Otabek really did give a speech, which he _totally_ could by the way, Yuri would definitely tear up and then leave immediately, probably screaming "abort, abort, ABORT" over and over again. Yeah, there was no way they could pull off the classic romantic proposal.

So what else could Otabek do? Put the ring into a pirozhki? That wouldn't work, since Yuri either took tiny, tiny bites of the pastry, or put the entire thing into his mouth and swallowed. In the first instance, Otabek would be reduced to a melting ice cream cone flavored nerves and Yuri would know what was coming, and in the second, Yuri would choke on the ring and have to say yes during the Heimlich.

The only thing that was keeping Otabek sane during this ordeal was the promise that Yuri made.

"I'll say yes, Otabek, no matter what. No matter how horribly wrong it goes, I promise that I will say yes."

That thought almost made Otabek want to make it as bad as he possibly could, to see if Yuri really would say yes while covered in glitter and Dora the Explorer stickers in the middle of the Grand Prix skating rink.

Otabek had asked Viktor and Yuuri for tips, since they had been successfully married for a while now, and although the sickeningly cute couple had a lot of sickeningly cute ideas, none of them really fit what Otabek wanted for him and Yuri. The Kazakh had jokingly suggested that they should make a blog and post all the ideas, which Viktor and Yuuri actually ended up doing, and now they were kind of popular on Tumblr. The whole being famous ice skaters thing really helped out.

After Viktor and Yuuri had been a bust, he had asked Phichit, who he had become very good friends with since the last year, but all Phichit could do was offer up his ice skating rink and some glorified hamster costumes. Otabek had already been in one of those once, and he was in no rush to go back. He did consider a proposal on ice though, but quickly ruled it out, as Yuri and Otabek were of the opinion that all skating did was slow down their relationship. Though, to be fair, the only reason they met was because they were both skaters.

A week passed, leaving just under a month left for Otabek to plan this thing, and he grew so desperate that he asked Lilia Baranovskaya and Yakov Feltsman, which was just as awkward as you'd expect it to be. Oops.

Proposals were officially harder than a quadruple axel on a trampoline in ice skates, not that Otabek had ever attempted that, but it seemed pretty hard.

Suddenly, inspiration struck, and Otabek spent a whole day planning a recreation of that time in Barcelona when they agreed to be friends before realizing that both Yuri and him despised plane rides and suffering through two just to get engaged was ridiculous.

Eventually, with one week left until the agreed day that Otabek was going to propose, Otabek's plan was to just slip the ring on Yuri while they were sleeping and, when he woke up, insist that Otabek had done the speech last night but Yuri didn't remember because they had celebrated with alcohol. The plan was a little mean, but you have to admit, pretty damn funny. Nobody thought of pranking their significant other during a marriage proposal!

Because it was a bad idea, yeah, okay, whatever…

And then, with two days left until _The Day_ , as Otabek was now calling it in his mind, disaster struck.

Otabek lost the ring. And his sanity, but that didn't matter.

Otabek fucking lost the ring. This was almost as bad as the time somebody crashed into his motorbike! He never did stuff like this! He was always calm and collected and put together and definitely not the type of person to lose a ring two days before the day he had to propose!

The skater looked for it, by god, he turned over his entire apartment looking for it while Yuri perched on their kitchen counter, drinking a juice box, watching Otabek with amusement and, somehow, uninterest. Otabek had even retraced his steps for the day, riding his motorbike in the exact same way the day of fated accident.

 _The Day_ came, crashing into their apartment like a drunk Chris, whipping off its clothing and pole dancing in Otabek's stomach.

Otabek made breakfast, hands shaking, and spilled green tea everywhere even though he hadn't even been brewing tea.

The day had still managed to be good, Yuri being particularly touchy-feely since he picked up on Otabek's nervous aura. The Kazakh collected himself, deciding to be a sappy romantic and take Yuri out for dinner and propose like every other human ever, and get this over with. He would give a speech, explain what happened, Yuri would laugh, and everything would be fine.

Lunch came and went, and six pm was a train barrelling into the station. It was clear what was going on when Otabek offered dinner and put on a suit, so Yuri took a deep breath and pretended he was cool, chill, totally relaxed.

They got on the motorbike to go to the restaurant, and everything was fine.

The motorbike sputtered out halfway to the restaurant, and everything was not fine.

Yuri began to take the bike apart while Otabek tried not to scream.

"I think something's jammed? Or there's something stuck?" Yuri said, obviously confused. "Damn."

Otabek was now screaming silently into his hands.

"Maybe if I just remove," the Russian paused, pulling a pipe out. "this thing."

Yuri peered into the bike, fishing around. "Hey, Otabek, there's something in here! It must be a rock."

He pulled something out, and his jaw fell open.

The ring. The ring had falllen into the bike. And Yuri found it, right on time. Otabek cheered, wanting to jump into the air.

"Well," Yuri stuttered. "it is a rock. A diamond kind of rock. Fuck. Do you have a speech to give?"

Otabek shook his head, eyes as wide as they could physically be.

"Here I was think that you'd do it at a restaurant like Viktor and Katsudon," Yuri said, holding the ring up to the light in wonder. "How did you pull this off?"

Otabek just shook his head again, then regained control of his body and mind, took the ring from Yuri, and slipped it onto his now fiancé's slim hand.

"Yura Plisetsky," Otabek said, voice steady after months of worrying. "Will you marry me?"

"I guess so," Yuri said, acting uninterested, but his eyes were sparkling. "Since you finally got gold."

"Gold?" Otabek questioned in Yuri's ear, resting his head on the Russian's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him. Yuri reached behind himself and removed Otabek's hands, keeping one for himself. Yuri gestured to his own body, smirking.

"Yeah, I'd be the gold medal, because you've finally won me over."

Now all they had to do was get the engine grease off that damn ring.


End file.
